Thursday, September 27, 2012

Beyond Fate

It’s difficult to resist falling back into old habits.  Even the most mundane of which become chains.  There’s something in the chemistry of the brain that causes Man to find solace in those old, self-destructive relics that offer temporary comfort, even when they realize it’s only a fleeting self-reinforcement.

But part of getting older and maturing is forcing yourself to overcome those habits of behavior.  And, once you do, it’s not so difficult to resist them in the future.  I have no real temptation to do any drugs, and while I’ve replaced those urges somewhat with things like caffeine and nicotine, I have managed to keep my psyche relatively unmuddled.  But, when I’m tired and worn out from a work week, and haven’t slept much, I start to feel like I’ve irreversibly damaged some aspect of my mind.  I don’t feel like I’ve become dumber or less focused, but my anxiety has never really gone away, and only amplified my own restlessness through sobriety.  The paradox is that it’s even harder to sit down and write or work on a project because of that restlessness.  My lack of focus is making me focus on being so unfocused.

Of course, the next day I always regret not using my time more productively, especially when I already waste so much of it on work in the first place.

These are the times in my life when I create a new blog, relegate the old one to the annals of my own psychosis, and begin anew, with a new emotional theme.

And every time I see Mark fall into his old ways, I’m reminded that I’m not the only person who has these problems, even if I try much harder to overcome them.  The mixture of empathy and frustration at another person’s shortcomings reminds me that I am still somewhat Human.