Monday, January 28, 2013

Solder won’t keep me together…


I’ve been in some weird anti-stasis since I moved here.  My persona has been obsessed with acclimating.  It’s gotten to the point where it seems like all I do is cower from other people’s intentions.

And now that I’m slowly returning to normal, I’m pressing back against that pressure.  It comes out in the most mundane ways, because it began and is solely mundane.  Since I reacted to it in an anxious way, though, it has given me the fa├žade of being weak and unsure.

So now that I’m being more assertive, I can tell I’m going to create the same inane conflicts that I used to, before I supplanted my confidence with hiding in altered states of consciousness.  There is still a large part of me that feels like I’m not worth being assertive.  It’s just gotten so frustrating putting up with other people’s domineering attitudes that I’m forced to.

I’m kind of amazed that I lack self-confidence so acutely.  I’ve never really felt that kind of worthlessness, even when I was morbidly depressed all the time, because I accepted it as a part of myself.  I don’t know how I came to feel so worthless in a grander sense.

From the outside, I know it looks like I’m unstable.  That’s my main problem with being social:  I progress through feelings internally, and then express them externally, and it looks like I’m just erratic and not in control of myself.

I don’t know if my brain chemistry is still slowly returning to normal, but at least it feels like I’m learning to be myself more than a year, or five years, or even ten years ago.