It’s hard to tell sometimes which parts of my psyche are philosophical belief and which are defense mechanism.  I’m reinforcing what I see around me, but at the same time I feel like I’m hiding, using that as a cover.  Justified or not, I’m not actively cutting through the world in front of me.  I’m still allowing it to move around me, and I’m still standing in place.

Thrasher

I can't wait
to see the one I drove away;
to greet a constant state;
I need it for today

No quick way;
you sit and wonder, draw breath
This will not go away;
The rope begins to fray

I'd set my goals aside
if I could be with you
I'd set my goals aside
if I could be with you
I'd set my goals aside,
but will it get me through?
I'd set my goals aside,
if I could be with you

Don't make waves;
I know you'll do it all again
I try to reach the point
I know you did the same

I always get the same kind of empty sadness filling me, and it always seems to come the minute I think it’s gone forever.

My brain knows that there is a need for connections, despite how viscerally I ignore it.

Don’t look too far

If I begin to feel lighter,
hold me down,
and I’ll be yours forever more

God bless this mess I’m in,
for it’s time
to be rid of a certain sin

A cool breeze down my spine,
and if I’m really here,
then I feel fine

A freelance child,
you bring it all back
This world is eating me inside

Missing a degree of warmth;
a name without a face
I’m losing grip all the same

I sever the line that divides
I sever the feelings inside
I sever between you and me

I want to learn to fly
Bring the pain right back again
Is this all there is of me?

Hearts and minds find the time,
but in the end, there was no possible reason for anything

Hoodoo

Come into my life
Regress into a dream
We will hide,
build a new reality
Draw another picture
of the life you could’ve had
Follow your instincts
and choose the other path

You should never be afraid;
you’re protected from trouble and pain
Why, why
is this a crisis in your eyes again?

Come to be,
how did it come to be?
Tied to a railroad,
you’ll have to set us free
Watch our souls fade away
Let our bodies crumble away
Don’t be afraid;
I will take the blow for you

And I’ve had recurring nightmares
that I was loved for who I am,
and missed the opportunity
to be a better man

Beyond Fate

It’s difficult to resist falling back into old habits.  Even the most mundane of which become chains.  There’s something in the chemistry of the brain that causes Man to find solace in those old, self-destructive relics that offer temporary comfort, even when they realize it’s only a fleeting self-reinforcement.

But part of getting older and maturing is forcing yourself to overcome those habits of behavior.  And, once you do, it’s not so difficult to resist them in the future.  I have no real temptation to do any drugs, and while I’ve replaced those urges somewhat with things like caffeine and nicotine, I have managed to keep my psyche relatively unmuddled.  But, when I’m tired and worn out from a work week, and haven’t slept much, I start to feel like I’ve irreversibly damaged some aspect of my mind.  I don’t feel like I’ve become dumber or less focused, but my anxiety has never really gone away, and only amplified my own restlessness through sobriety.  The paradox is that it’s even harder to sit down and write or work on a project because of that restlessness.  My lack of focus is making me focus on being so unfocused.

Of course, the next day I always regret not using my time more productively, especially when I already waste so much of it on work in the first place.

These are the times in my life when I create a new blog, relegate the old one to the annals of my own psychosis, and begin anew, with a new emotional theme.

And every time I see Mark fall into his old ways, I’m reminded that I’m not the only person who has these problems, even if I try much harder to overcome them.  The mixture of empathy and frustration at another person’s shortcomings reminds me that I am still somewhat Human.

Blue Sheep

The shape I’m in
Oh, she knows so well
My heart’s become
her sinking belle

The sinking belle
Oh, the sinking belle
I’m worried now
You’re worried now

We’re smaller than
we used to be
What came from you
is now inside me
Don’t ask me why
Oh, don’t ask me why
All my life
All my life
We’re in black and white

Back to Chapel Town

Floating over empty streets
Away from pain, away from everything
Pray that we will survive the night
Buildings falling, the soul
Vaporized

Watching you sleep, but I know
That your heart has grown cold
Let me dream, if only for tonight
That we leave together in the first morning light

Alone and forgotten
I bow my head in shame
Before you all answers reveal
So I sink my sorrows in
The sea

Pray that we will survive the night
Buildings falling, the soul
Vaporized

--

Night falls
Silence takes a grip.
Guilt I retrieved;
A burning will to die.
I need this to be over before
I am bleeding dry…

Somewhere along the highway, these tracks must end.
I pass a crowd on my way
to the house on the hill…

Dead man with pitchfork arms
tells me all that he knows;
leave me here, for the crows.
In the Fall, she came back…
And with her, the birds…

Angelica

Where are you tonight,
wildflower in starlit heaven?
Still enchanted in flight?
Obsession’s lament to freedom

A timeless word, the meaning’s changed,
but I’m still burning in your flames
Incessant, lustral masquerade
Unengaged, dim-lit love didn’t taste
the same

And I wonder
if you ever wonder the same
And I still wonder…

Try not to lose yourself; I’m way past trying; I’m way past caring; I’m way past hoping

Purpose and patience:
Are they swallowed,
or stations?

The only thing that can pull me through these kinds of times is something I have never actually received.  But, I know that there is at least one…

One mechanism to trigger me out of it.

But the cyclical and anti-reciprocal nature of life doesn’t provide those kinds of altering shifts, really.  You only think they do, until you realize the layer you’ve changed on only molted and fell away from a deeper, rougher and more eternal one.