Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Sta(i)ring

I realized that I had been basically sitting here for the past two days, barely eating and chain-smoking.  When I get into that mode and lose track of time, I feel like I'm completely isolated from the outside world.  And then, when I have to go out and get food and gas, all the anxiety hits me, and I feel like I'm a crazy person trying to function in society.

Maybe that's why I get so clingy.  I force all that anxiety into forward motion when I'm isolated, and keep pushing and pushing, for some kind of reward.

The feelings I have are both elating and frightening.  I always feel like i'm fucking my entire life up by being incompetent and unreliable.  And when I do get things together, I gain momentum until I crash again.

I feel like I'm too old to have these kinds of stability issues.  But I do, and probably always will feel like I'm desperately clinging on to my sanity.  Maybe I'm doomed to the cycle of reaching out and grasping at nothing, and retracting.

I like the feeling of pouring my emotions into something willing; maybe I'm narcissistic.  A part of me will always force myself to believe that there are true forms of love out there, waiting for me to find them.

Maybe there's something in you that pulls me, or an empty space that's sucking me in.  Or maybe I'm being pushing toward you by my own vacuum.  And even though I have the patience to wait and see, I have to fight against that impulse to propel myself forward.

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