The Ocean

It's funny: The things that trigger mental breakdowns are always unexpected and trivial in a sense.

I have a very deep fear of abandonment.  I never truly realized that until recently.  I have a very real fear of being alone.  This is something I never really considered, because I'm so used to solitude.  But, I desperately want to find social fulfillment.

My anxiety has reached epic levels.  It reminds me of being young, and being afraid, and being clueless as to what to do next.  But, I'm older now, and I've dealt with this kind of instability before.  And, I have more wealth of knowledge and confidence to draw upon than I ever did before.

Over the last few years, I've let my brain become swollen with the anxiety that comes with always worrying about being judged.  Always worrying about what others think.  Always trying to placate or ply or just remain copacetic.  When I was younger, I didn't much care.  But my self-image has been thoroughly shattered.  I never bothered to even think about rebuilding it.

I can never get past what others will see when they look at me.  It makes me hate myself, hate my choices, hate my detriments.  The ironic thing is that with this overflow of panic at such a sustained rate, it has brought thoughts up that I completely forgot about.  It has made me realize that I need to be myself in every situation, to be present and to speak my mind to some extent.  Not because I want to fit in, or to be perceived a certain way, but because it allows me to feel better about myself.  It helps me feel like I don't exist on another plane of existence.

I never thought I would get more insecure with age.  But, I never thought I would destroy so many facets of my life, and end up a lonely outcast.  The more I force myself not to say 'anything', but to say something from my heart in situations, the more I feel like I exist in the world.  The more people treat me like I'm real.  Even if they don't like it or think it's strange.  At least I'm real.

I almost can't contain it all.  It's like I'm having a nervous breakdown, but at the same time re-opening a part of myself.  Pandora's box, with all it's evils and pure energy, is coming out.